depression
health care

feel sad, sick, unmotivated. constantly worrying about mental/emotional/physical health. too scared to open up irl.

feel sad, sick, unmotivated. constantly worrying about mental/emotional/physical health. too scared to open up irl.

anyone ever just feel sad and unmotivated? i have stuff to do, people i have to meet, places i have to go. but i feel sick, tired, sad. i just want to stay in bed and just surf the web all day, hating myself because i havent left my house for anything except school. i feel ill, i feel like the whole world was mean to look bleak, the sky gets dark as if its meant to make me sad and gloomy. my entire house gets quiet and depressing. i just want to go to sleep and wake up to all my problems going away. i feel like a step beyond lazy. it can happen anytime, usually its really strong right before school starts for me. i dont know if it’s depression or anxiety or anything, but all i know is that i dont feel well, and that i’m sad. is it depression? wouldnt it be worse? im dying to know, im dying to talk to someone, but im too scared.

or maybe i do. every single moment im out in the real world, or talking with internet strangers online, im constantly worrying. am i setting a decent enough impression for them? do they see me as some weirdo that isnt worth their time? i know i have some friends, but do they sometimes feel like they dont want to be my friend? every single thing they do might just be something they do with no intention, but to me, its a sign, just another hunch, another dreadful feeling that they dont like me, no one likes me, who would want to spend time with such a horrible person?

i feel like every time im talking with a person, dialogue is like a minefield. you have to take each and every step carefully. take the right steps, and its just what looks like a normal conversation. take the wrong steps, suddenly they look like they dont like you anymore, like the group shuts you out, dooming you to be an outcast forever. every conversation is a quiet terror to me, im okay at pretending like i know what im doing, but inside im panicking, im so scared that i might say the wrong thing and hate me for the rest of eternity.

im constantly terrified of my psychical health, as well. every pain, crack, weird feeling sends me in a flurry of googling my symptoms, always, ALWAYS, feeling like todays gonna be my unlucky day, and my symptoms suddenly match with that of a terminal cancer, or some horrible disease that leaves me suffering for days on end, to die and wake up in hell. im constantly, always worrying, not about my emotional and mental health, but my physical health as well. i dont care about my body image, but im more scared about death. im constantly up, thinking about how i fear death, not because ill lose touch with the world, because i fear what happens after. i grew up in a christian family, with christian friends, constantly saying that “if you dont follow christ, you’ll burn in hell.” now im questioning my relations with my family, friends, my religion, my sexuality, and every night, for what seems like forever, im in bed, thinking “what would happen if i died today? what if i woke up, burning in hell, suffering for eternity?”

sometimes, when im in crowded, busy, noisy places, i feel like im not in my body, i feel like im just spectating myself and my body is doing everything for me, like right now when im typing this. i did some research and i think its called “depersonalization/derealization” and i really want to see a professional about this, but this is another one of my fears. im okay with doctors, not a fan of their needles. but psychologists, psychiatrists scare me. ive been with some before, and when they ask me about my problems, i just clam up, just act like im a normal person, just put on a mask and act as if my parents were crazy to think i needed help, when in reality i desperately feel like to do need someone to talk to, but im terrified of opening up to people, what if i say too much and they see me as weird and stop talking to me? ive spent a life of helping people, comforting them, the same people who would threaten and hold self-harm over my head, and now i feel like all of my problems are insignificant. or maybe they are.

this mask. irl and online, i keep this chill persona on 24/7, i act like this all the time, because when i let my guard down and be myself, people look at me weird, people look like they dont want to be near me. im so tired of this. im so tired of having to fake personality after personality after personality after personality. im tired. im scared. im sad. i feel sick. i just want to be happy, always happy without having to worry about anything.

every day i look on subreddits like and i see these people waving around their depression, self harm, suicidal tendencies, etc and i think to myself, “gosh those people seem way worse than i could be, maybe my problems dont matter, and im being a wuss.” but something still tells me that there is something wrong with me, that everything is wrong with me.

these kinda thoughts are just a fraction of the things i feel and think about every day. so, so, so many more things like this plague my mind every day. ive lived like this for 15 years. im so tired of living like this, with my thoughts just festering in my head while i keep this ๐Ÿ˜€ mask on all the time. please tell me, are my worries even real? am i just crazy?

 

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